© Auf Wiedersehen, Pet is copyright of ITV Studios, BBC & Franc Roddam.

‘Madness son, madness.’

Story Name - Dorty Magazines Author - Lee Barratt Premise - Nev is bored and wants to find something to occupy his mind. The mention of jogging to Wayne creates a stir. .
Dorty Magazines.... This scene is set just before Private Lives Neville is sat in the hut alone at the table writing a postcard to his beloved Brenda. Wayne walks in, fresh from the showers, drying his hair. Wayne: Way up Nev, not writing another bloody postcard? Neville: Aye, got nowt else to have a? The lads have gone down to the bar, and Barry's outside fixing his bike... Wayne: I think you should get out more son Neville: I can't, can a. Brendas got me saving up for some new pans. I wouldn't mind but she's only sat at home cooking for one, well I hope she is... Wayne: You don't have to spend money to go out mate, I mean, sat around here all night in the poxy hut, it can't be doing you good... Neville: Hey, maybes we could.... Neville is just about to reply, but Wayne fires up the hairdryer. Neville stands up and walks over to Bombers locker and picks up a magazine. He sits back down, starts writing his postcard again, waiting for Wayne to stop. As the hairdryer comes to a stop.... Neville: Wayne, you know you were on about going out and it costing nowt? Wayne: Yea... Neville: D'you fancy coming jogging? Wayne: Jogging? Me?! Neville: Whey, it's sommat to do innit. Neville stands up and shows Wayne Bombers fitness magazine Neville: I was reading this the other night, it's Bombers. Wayne: Blimey mate, if your sat around here all night, all alone looking at magazines with blokes in them you've got a problem! Neville: Ha'way Wayne man! Wayne: What's it about? Neville: Whey it's Bombs, all about fitness and stuff.....and jogging. Wayne: Neville, sit down son... Now, a few years back, my brother in law got into all this....jogging and running, bought all the gear, Adidas this and that, loads a tracksuits, looked a right pillock he did... Neville: Nowt wrong with getting fit... Wayne: No, I am not putting him down for that, well I didn't have to cause something else put him down... Neville: What his wife? Wayne: No, a bloody big lorry! Neville: A lorry? Wayne: Yea, he only tried to run a red light a Catford roundabout... Neville: What, did he die?! Wayne: Nah, he got lucky, just got a few scratches and a black eye.... Neville: He got a black eye from being hit by a lorry? Wayne: Nah, the driver jumped out give a good whacking like... Neville rolls his eyes Wayne: So, theres a lesson to be learned Nev.... Neville: Well, if it isn't jogging I've got to find something to do with my time... Wayne: How about painting the hut, give you some practice for when you get home and your Brenda's got a list as long as her arm.... Neville: Well, I'll find sommat to do, before I go insane... Just then the lads arrive back from the bar, all jovial and a bit pissed.... Wayne: Hey Oz, Neville wants to know if you fancy going jogging on a night? Just then Barry walks in the door next to Oz’s bed Oz: Jogging, Bollocks! I’ll tell you something mate, the only jogging I'll be doing is down to that brothel, on top a Suzie Wong! Barry: Aww disgusting! Neville: Wasting me time..... Scene ends.