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Stay out of Trouble

A Place for the fans versions of AWP

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Stay out of Trouble

Post by Londongal1983 » Thu May 21, 2020 5:29 am

Scene 1- Scotswood Road, Newcastle. Dennis Patterson and Leonard 'Oz' Osborne are walking to a building site and talking among themselves.

Oz: So what did Vera say about your lad then, Dennis man?

Dennis: She says that our Kevin's behaviour's out of control.

Oz: Meaning?

Dennis: Kevin's been fighting and arguing with just about everyone and Vera said that if it happens again, he's out of the house and out of her life.

Oz: How old is your Kevin now?

Dennis: Just turned 17 and he acts like he's bloody 21.

Oz: (changing the subject) It's good to have you back.

Dennis: It's good to be back!

Oz: So how was your flight? Mind you, I don’t suppose it takes long from Germany nowadays.

Dennis: Nah, just over an hour - ney bother.

Oz: So did you meet up with Dagmar?

Dennis: Aye.

Oz: And??

Dennis: Oh she’s fine. Just went for a drink and reminisced about old times. She’d aged a bit, like.

Oz: Ah well, I reckon there’s a good chance she thinks the same about you.

Dennis sighs.

Scene 2- a building site for a new shopping centre. Dennis and Oz arrive when Dennis's secretary Lorraine Thomas rushes over to them.

Lorraine: Mr P, you got a call a few minutes ago.

Dennis: Who from, Lorraine?

Lorraine: It's from a Mr Len Jordan.

Dennis: I'm on it. (rushes into the site office and answers the phone) Hello. (beat) Len, what's wrong? (beat) Kevin did what?! (beat) Is he alright? (beat) Where are you? (beat) I'll be right there. (hangs up and runs out of the site office)

Scene 3- Newcastle Freeman Hospital. Dennis rushes over to the bed his son Kevin is lying on surrounded by Len and Frank Jordan.

Len: Before you have a go at me, Denny, your Kevin's alright.

Dennis: Thanks, Len man. (to Kevin) Kevin son, how are you, lad? Oh come here!

Kevin and Dennis hug.

Kevin: If you see Mam, Dad, can you tell her I'm not coming back home?

Dennis: I'll try.

Len: Frank found your Kevin on the kitchen floor after he took all those pills Donita uses to stop her migraines and wrote a letter blaming Vera and Angela for everything.

Dennis: Hell's bollocks. (to Kevin) So do you see much of your mother?

Kevin: Not since I ran away 2 weeks ago.

Dennis: (shocked) How could you say that? She's your mother.

Kevin: Works at the local chemists.

Dennis: She’s a chemist?

Kevin: Nah, on the tills, like.

Dennis: Am only joking, son. So is she with anyone?

Kevin: She's still with that fat Scottish prick and if you ask me, she's better off without that one!

Dennis: So how’s your sister?

Kevin: Alright, I think.

Kevin looks at Len who shakes his head. He continues…

Kevin: Anyway, I've got a Summer job working for some rich Scottish bloke who wants to meet you. This Saturday.

Dennis: Who?

Kevin: You’ll have to wait and see. It’s a surprise, like.

Dennis: Today’s been full of surprises. Hey, Len, you don’t reckon it’s Ally Fraser, do ya?

Len: Could be, I’m not psychic, Denny. You’ll have to wait and see!

Kevin: Anyway, it’s been great seeing ya again, Dad. I’ll see ya soon.

Dennis: I'll see you when I can. (kisses Kevin and leaves with Len and Frank.

Scene 4- a cafe toilet, Sunderland. Albert Moxey is washing his hands at a sink and watching a few men passing by him. When he can see no-one else left, he turns the tap off, dries his hands and accidentally barges into a red haired woman in a white jacket over a light blue dress.

Woman: Oh my God, I'm sorry. Am I in the wrong toilet?

Moxey: Yeah but that's okay.

The woman and Moxey get a closer look at each other and smile.

Woman: Albert Moxey, is that you?

Moxey: You look familiar, have we met before?

Woman: Back in 1967, I was your sister's exchange student from Dublin!

Moxey's eyes widen and it all comes back to him.

Moxey: Whoa, you're that Irish Bernadette girl who fancied me like mad.

Bernadette: That's me but some people call me Bernie these days.

Moxey: I'll call you Bernie if you call me Al, deal?

Bernadette: Deal. (hugs Moxey and thry both walk out of the men's bathroom arm in arm.

Scene 5- Ally Fraser's old office. Kevin is showing Dennis around.

Kevin: (pointing to his left) That's the water fountain and trust me, it tastes better than the one at school, (points to his right) that's the men's toilets and this (gestures to the door in front of thrm) is the boss's office.

Dennis: Kevin, if this boss of yours is a scumbag, I've worked with some of them so you wouldn’t have to. At least Ally Fraser had some sense of decency! Honestly, thinking of him just…

Kevin: I’d be very careful what you say - I think you’re forgetting the big guy over there can hear us. (gestures his head towards Big Baz)

Dennis walks over to the door but then turns around...

Dennis storms out thinking he’s done enough to keep Kevin away from Ally. To his surprise, Big Baz follows him in a rage, grabs him by the collar and throws him against the wall…

Big Baz: Just who in the name of shite d’ya think you're doing here, man? There's a rumour going around that you're going to pay what you owe and on Mr Fraser's terms. I can't make an example of ya right now and make ya disappear but people already know there’s only one name to fear round here and it’s NOT Mr Fraser himself!!

Ally: (from behind Big Baz) Is that a fact?

Big Baz looks like he’s seen a ghost and instantly lets go of Dennis.

Big Baz: Hello, Mr Fraser, we were just talking about you.

Kevin: What Baz just said.

Ally: Now piss off back to work. I need a word with Dennis here. (to Kevin) Oh and Kevin, before you call the rest of your father's team and sort me out, let me warn you: you are being watched and it will be the last thing you (or they) ever do!

Kevin nods nervously, still in absolute disbelief and quietly walks off with Big Baz in tow.

Dennis: Ally, man, what are you doing out of Durham Prison?

Ally: Early release. I'm surprised you still know me, Dennis.

They both get walk into Ally's office.
Story Name - The Future - Part Two.Author - Grant BreretonPremise - Here is Grant Brereton’s rough draft of a few hypothetical script ideas, just for fun.Scene 13:In Ally’s car…Ally: I’d heard some little pipsqueak was trying to run things in my absence. Must have thought allhis Christmases had come at once when I was sent down.Dennis: I don’t know what wudda happened if you hadn’t showed up. I don’t know how I can everrepay you.Ally: You can start with that 25 grand you owe me, which with interest over a 30 year period comesto………. by the way. You hadn’t forgotten had you?Dennis: Hell’s bollocks!Ally: Don’t worry Dennis, I’ll not be expecting it all back tonight. Where are you living these days?Dennis: Me sister, Norma’s like…...35 Crescent Dr...GosforthAlly: I’ll pay you a visit next week. We’ll catch up properly. And don’t worry about our friend. He’sbeing paid a little visit as we speak; he’ll not give you any more bother.Scene 14:In the office of Tommy’s Gym, two of Ally’s hard nuts are enjoying seeing him squirm…Hard nut 1: “Small time? Has been?” That’s right, we were listening to your every word just now,waiting to smash your ugly little shit head into the ground. Mr Fraser’s no ‘has-been.’ He’s verymuch a ‘still-is’ if you catch my drift, and makes you look like an X-Factor wannabe.Hard nut 2: See, we’ve been watching you for a while Tommy boy, and we know all about yourbusinesses, all your associates (and good luck phoning them for help by the way), and we’venoticed that you don’t seem to have any security? Fancy that, in this day and age….Hard nut 1: I mean, anything could happen. Be a shame for all your windows to be put through orthe building to suddenly go on fire…Tommy *in a nervous voice*: Look, fellas what do you want from me? What can I do?Hard nut 1: Oh, we can see that you don’t want any trouble, Tommy boy. And we won’t give youany.Hard nut 2: That’s right, don’t know what gave you that impression? We won’t do anything to you,and I predict that your taxis and this Gym as well as all your other businesses will keep runningsmoothly.Tommy: So, err, what’s the catch?Hard nut 1: We feel you need some form of security, so all you need to do is set up a standingorder for £100 a week from each business into Mr Fraser’s bank account and everyone’s a winner.Tommy: And you won’t give us any bother?Hard nut 2: You have our word son!Scene 15Norma’s house the next morning. Dennis walks into the kitchen and Norma serves him up a full English breakfast...Norma: Morning Pet, bit of a late one, was it?Dennis: You could say that Pet, aye.Norma: Here you go, that should help to mop up some of the alcohol!! Oh, by the way, thisletter came for you a couple of weeks back.Norma gives the letter to DennisDennis: It’s from Oz, an invite to his 60th birthday party at the King’s Head. Says he’ll textme as well, but thereʼs more chance of me opening this!Norma: Ooh, very nice, but what a cheek, when is it?Dennis: Well, not too far from the truth, really, Saturday 24th.Norma: That’s today Pet!Dennis: Bloody Hell Norma, why didn’t you tell us? He’ll think I’m not coming now.Norma: Well I didn’t know what your letter was, don’t blame me. Why don’t you just surprise him?Dennis: Aye, aye, could do. Will have to get him a present though!Scene 16Dennis is outside Normaʼs house having a smoke. He gets his phone out, slowly goes through his contacts and then dials a number...Dennis: Nev?Nev: Alright DennisDennis: Did you kna anything about this party of Ozʼs tonight? I’ve just found out like…Nev: Aye, are ya ganning?Dennis: Of course.Nev: Aye, should be a laugh - bit of a catch up - Geordie Mafia back in toonDennis: How comes you didn’t mention it?Nev: Must have just forgot, likeDennis: You mean you weren’t sure if I’d been invited!Nev: Don’t be daft man Dennis, you’re Oz’s oldest mate!Dennis: Well, I haven’t got a present - will pick you up in the taxi at 7?Nev: Champion. I’ll sort the present, divvent fret about that. You just bring yourself and a card.Scene 17Early evening. A big tourer motorbike pulls up outside a 1930s semi in Gosforth (revving and making quite a noise). Oz walks out the front door looking perplexed and a bit grumpy. The rider removes his helmet, the passenger does the same...Oz: Barry! Moxey! You never said you were coming! Hang on a minute…Oz makes a quick phone call while the lads get off the bike and reach for their overnight gearOz: I wondered who it was when I heard a midlife-crisis bike revving outside; never thought for a minute it would be yeez two!!Barry: Well I missed the old bike Oz, didn’t I. I often think that a bloke needs something in his life; something to be connected to, and something he can love without costing too much money. Shame it took me all those years to realise it wasn’t a woman! Anyway, HappyBirthday old son!Moxey: Yeah, good to see ya mate, Happy Birthday. Really looking forward to tonight!Oz: Well sor am I now. Thought it was just gonna be me and Nev, like - since he was the only one that replied. He’s not exactly the life and soul…Moxey: Nice house this.Oz: It’s alreet. Central heating doesn’t work!Moxey: As long as the kettle does...Oz: Alright man, I can take a hint. It’s not my gaffe like - I just rent it off a mate. Suits me doon to the groond! Can I take it yeez two’ll be kipping doon here for the night?Barry: Er, yes please mate, if that’s okMoxey: Er, ye, we er, thought that ya wouldn’t mind like…Oz: Not at aaall, just wished youʼd have let us kna, so I could have cleaned the place up a bit!Scene 18Dennis and Nev are in the taxi, very smartly dressed and Nev is holding quite a long, rectangular-shaped present...Nev: I dunno why he said get your gladrags on - especially for the Kings Heed. Have you been there lately?Dennis: Nah, not for years. Last time Oz was cut oot in a suit, he was probably up beforethe local magistrateNev: Even still, must have cost him a fair bit to have it in a pub. I hope there’s a buffet - I could eat a scabby horse!Dennis: Aye, am feeling a bit peckish like.Scene 19The lads are sat on their own in the lounge of the pub (with pint in hand), looking perplexed as they expected to see Oz, a buffet, balloons etc...Dennis: Are ya sure this is the right pub, Nev?Nev: The Kings Head, Galloway Road, Gosforth. Unless you know another one?Just then a knock comes from the window. Dennis and Nev look over and see Oz emerging with a big daft look on his face. Then Barry and Moxey emerge either side of him and Dennis and Nev are all smiles. Oz is equally as pleased to see Dennis...Oz: Dennis, I didn’t think you were coming!Dennis: I didnʼt get your letter until today - wouldn’t miss it for the world!Nev: We was, expecting, a party though. Is there anywhere roond here we can get something decent to eat?Oz: Hang on Nev, you’re a bit presumptuous aren’t ya. Take a look outside son…A limo is pulling up in the car park…Oz: A’m more sophisticated than yeez think ya kna. C’mon, sup up, don’t want to keep the driver waiting - not at the rate he’s chargin’!!Scene 20The lads get out of the limo, which is parked outside a fancy restaurant, and all look very impressed and suitably dressed (even Moxey)…Oz: Right lads, it’s my birthday and my treat, so that means have what you want -including ale - all on my tab.Moxey: Have you won the lottery Oz?Oz: Not exactly, but if you cannot celebrate living till 60 - especially when you’ve hit the ale as hard as I have - when can ya?Scene 21The lads are all sat down at a table for 6. The last place isn’t occupied and the waiter attempts to clear away the dinnerware...Oz: Leave that son!Waiter: Sorry sir.Oz: Might as well leave it there, incase they turn upThere is a silence around the table as Oz’s no-show mystery guest isn’t revealed, and with no-one wanting to ask...Waiter: As you wish sir - would you like to see the wine list?Oz: Yes, but you better hoy it doon the table to Mr Taylor there - he’s the only one that will be able to understand it!Nev: Anyway, Oz, happy birthday from me and Dennis. We thought long and hard about this - got you something we thought you could really use…Oz opens the present and sees a walking stick inside. He smiles, looks up and shows the rest of the lads, who cheer and take the Michael…Oz: Thanks lads - this chastiser’ll come in handy, I’m sure!!As the laughter continues, the door opens and in walks Rod. Oz’s face says it all. He’d turned up...Oz: Alreet son, you made it then!Rod: Thought I’d surprise ya likeOz: Aye, so did most of the lads - been like a surprise party really!Rod: Sorry am late, bloody accident… Happy birthday Dad!Oz: Howay, sit yaself doon son and a take a look at the menu - owt you want tonight, its on your old man. Oh and let us know if Barry’s the connoisseur he thinks he is - is the vino any good?Rod: It’ll do, aye!The lads have finished their meal and Rod says goodnight as he has to be up early for work in the morning.The lads are sat round the table at the restaurant. The beer is going down...Dennis: What about that bird who wanted to get in touch with you, did you meet her?Oz: ‘Nicky’ nah, not yet, meeting her tomorrow night in the George - got na idea what it’s all aboot or who she is!Moxey: Maybe it’s your long lost daughter looking for her Dad.Dennis: Or some tart you’ve got up the spout, looking for money!Barry: It’s very interesting all this. Nobody wants to get in touch with me.Oz: I tell you what it is - it better be good news. I’ve had enough shit hoyed my way to last a lifetime; I’m due a break!Nev: Might be your Marjorie, hoping for a reconciliation?Oz: Whaaaat? More chance of Newcastle winning the treble! Or Dennis replying to to a text messageMoxey: Who’s round is it?Collectively: “YOURS!!!!”Oz: Well hang on Mox, the limo’ll be here in a minute…. I thought we could move on to a pub and then finish off at a club.Moxey: Sort of like a ‘Classic Quartet’ but without the curry at the end?Barry: Well don’t rule anything out...Dennis: Dedicated to our old mate BomberOz: Aye, here’s to absent friends.Collectively: “To absent friends!”Nev: Yeah but a club though? Aren’t we a bit old for that?Oz: Speak for yourself! Anyway, this is upmarket - for gentleman like, plus they’reexpecting us and it’s free entry!Scene 23The lads get in the limo and head off for the Jug and Jester… In the pub the lads are all sat round positively enjoying the evening, and no-one will let Oz buy a drink...Moxey: So Oz, is your lad still…Oz: Gay?Moxey: Er…Oz: Well actually, he’s seeing a bird and has been for 2 years. He’s still...Nev: Bi?Oz: Aye, aye. See he realised after having so many girls as friends, that he still fancied the opposite sexBarry: Couldnʼt be without a woman’s touch…Dennis: Who can eh? Mind they cost enough, I should know!Moxey: I bet that was a relief!Oz: Well, sort of. Had kind of got used to the idea though!Barry: Any of your kids married Nev?Oz: I think them’s a bit young - even for you Barry!Barry: Pig off!Nev: Just our Debbie, the eldest, to a policeman - Simon.Moxey: no offence like, but I think I’ll steer clear of him!Scene 24The lads are walking along the streets in Newcastle. On the approach to the club, they get near the entrance...Nev: Hey! This is a Gentleman’s club!!Oz: Right! A club for Gentlemen - just like I saidNev: Aye, but I didn’t think it was this kind of club. I was expecting the Cons club or RAF club, anything but one of these…Dennis: Howay, divvent fret Nev, we’ll not tell your Brenda!Moxey: ‘Or ey, “For Your Eyes Only!” Good choice Oz!Nev: Are you gan in an’ all Barry? Surely this isn’t your type of thing?Barry: Usually I’d agree Nev, but I haven’t ogled any young flesh since Tatiana - gonna fill me boots; might be the last chance I get!!Oz: I love strip clubs, me!Dennis: (sarcastically) Yeah?Oz: Aye, I keep getting older, they stay the same age!Moxey: I’ll drink to that.Nev: Better enjoy it too - cost enough! Typical of one of these places!Barry: Ya knaw, itʼs a funny thing is the passage of timeDennis: Oh here we go…Barry: Naw, naw listen, all I’m saying is that it’s a funny thing is the aging process. I mean I can remember the point up to which I wouldn’t have considered doing Gail off Coronation Street, for exampleMoxey: So what are ya sayin’, that now ya definitely would?Barry: That’s right Mox!Oz: Divvent fret, youʼre not as old as Dennis there, in whose case Gail’s mam Audrey isn’t out of the questionDennis: Aye, aye very good, aye… Probably true an’ all!Scene 25Inside the club the lads have got a beer and are sat down. There are bare legs everywhere, scantily clad women and they are enjoying the scenery and banter...Scene 26Some girls (strippers) come over and chat to the lads for a while, while the camera pans around the club. Then the girls get up and circulate...Oz: £20 a dance? Think I’ll only be having the oneDennis signals to a nearby girl…Dennis: Well this one’s on us birthday boyHe hands Oz a £20 note. The rest of the lads give Dennis £5 each, while Oz is led off by a stunning young beauty to a private booth for a ‘dance’.Barry: I thought they danced on tables in these places?Moxey: You really ‘ave led a sheltered life Barry!!Nev: Well, what does £20 get?Dennis: A dance!Barry: A dance?Dennis: Aye, she’ll flash her tits, gyrate a bit, but there’s no contact likeNev: No contact? Just looking?Dennis: Aye, Iʼm having one. Are you? You fancy it?Nev: Well, it is a special occasion after all. Aye, why not man. £20? I’ll just tell Brenda I got the last round inDennis, Barry and Moxey all get led off to individual booths by attractive strippers, leaving only Nev sat on his own. He looks up and sees Oz coming towards him...Oz: Phwooaar… Happy Birthdeey to meee!! No matter what they say, there’s nowt in this life more beautiful than the female form. Fancy it Nev?Nev: Aye, definitely. The next one that comes alang like…A pair of legs appear in front of Nev. He looks up relishing the sight, only to realise it’s his eldest daughter, DebbieScene 27The morning after in Oz’s house Barry is snoring in the spare room, while Moxey is awoken by a mobile phone text message on the coffee table in the lounge. He gets up and makes 3 cups of tea...Moxey: Morning sleeping beauty, brew’s up.Oz: Oah me heed. Cheers Moxey manMoxey: You gorra message on yer phone. Woke us up! Couldn’t help but notice it was from Nicky and she said she’s looking forward to tonight?Oz: It’s me mystery woman. All will be revealed later apparently…Moxey: Haven’t you got any clue, like?Oz: I’ve humped quite a few boilers in me time ya know Mox man, I can’t be expected to remember them all. Probably just an old tart wanting one last flingMoxey: Her dying wish?Oz grabs his walking stickOz: Hey, you’re not too old for a slap ya know!Scene 28Front door goes at Nev’s house...Brenda: Oh morning pet, this is a pleasant surprise. Everything alright?Debbie: Aye, just hoping to see Dad, have a quick word about a light that won’t go out on me dash.Brenda: Well heʼs just in the shower pet. He’s not in a great mood, mind - think the hangover’s already kicked in. C’mon Calista, we’ll be late… See ya later petThe door shuts and Nev walks into the kitchen drying his hair…Nev: What are you doing here?Debbie: D’aaaad, don’t be like that!Nev: Like what? How am I supposed to act when I find my eldest daughter’s a [whispers] stripper?Debbie: You havenʼt told mam have ya?Nev: Course not! I canna get me heed round this Debbie. Can’t imagine what she’d think. Why Debbie, WHY?Debbie: Why do ya THINK? Money!Nev: Money’s tight for everyone pet, still doesn’t excuse what you were doing!Debbie: Howay man Dad, I wouldnʼt do it if I wasn’t desperate - money’s really good!Nev: How bad can things be?Debbie: It’s SimonNev: What about him?Debbie: He neglected to mention that he was 18 grand in debt till after we were married - gambling debts.Nev: Jesus wept, but, but he’s’ a…..Debbie: Copper? It can happen to good people ya know DadNev: Well this stops here. Iʼll put last neet down to a bad dream and we’ll not be telling your mam. I take it he doesn’t know?Debbie: Thanks Dad. Hasn’t got a clue. He works nightsNev: Well, he had us fooled. You’re gonna have to decide whether Simon’s the one you want to spend the rest of you life with - especially before kids come along!Debbie: I still love him, Dad. He’s not gambling anymore.Scene 29Back in Oz’s house, Barry Moxey and Oz are sat in the lounge drinking a brew. Oz is in his Newcastle United football shirt...Barry: So what time we heading off then?Oz: We’ll head off to toon about midday. Get a bite, a jar or two and then head on over to the Holy GrailMoxey: Didnʼt the others fancy it?Oz: Naah, Dennis has got something on this afternoon and Nev still thinks it’s 5 pund a ticket!Barry: I’ve always fancied visiting Newcastle’s ground - especially after you lot went on about it so much in Germany!!Moxey: What do they call it these days, the Sports Direct Arena?Oz: Hey, youʼre treading on thin ice there fella. It’s St James’ Park. Always has been, always will be - and divvent ye forget it!!!Scene 30In Norma’s house Dennis hears the doorbell and proceeds to answer it. Norma is out...Dennis: How Ally man, come in…Ally: Morning Dennis, hair of the dog?Dennis looks down at his can of lagerDennis: Aye, fancy one?Ally: Don’t mind if I do actuallyCut to a few minutes later. Ally and Dennis are sat in the lounge…Ally: You’re looking a bit rough Dennis, are you ok?Dennis: Champion. Was just a heavy night last night: Ozʼs birthday so we went out and had a few jarsAlly: So youʼre still in touch with the lads?Dennis: Well, just about - there’s only 5 of us left now. Wayne and Bomber have both passed onAlly: Sorry to hear that. They were good lads.Dennis: Aye, makes you realise that life is short!Ally: What is your philosophy on life Dennis?Dennis: Philosophy?Ally: Aye, you must have some ambitions DennisDennis: Me? Not especially, nah! Only making sure me kids are alright, keeping me head above water - keeping the wolf from the door. Mind, it looks like he’s well and truly caught up with us now…Ally takes a drink and smiles at DennisAlly: Dennis, d’ya think if I’d wanted my money back that I couldn’t have got it off you by now? See, I knew this day would come, no matter how long it took, I knew it would eventually come, and here we are…Dennis: So, what are you sayin’ like?Ally: I don’t like what you did to me Dennis! But I know exactly why you did it. Perhaps the decency in me could relate to that? Perhaps I’d have done the same in your position. I don’t know, doesn’t matter…Dennis: So what now, like?
Did you do that?

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