A Home From Home - What Happened Next

[Hallwood]

WAYNE: Mr Arthur “Tiger” Pringle, this is your life!

The lads chorus “Da, Da-Da Daaaaa!”

The colour drains from Arthur’s face as he realises what has happened.

ARTHUR: (softly, but sternly): Now look here. That tape is private property, so hand it over immediately!

WAYNE: It’s our property now, Tiger.

Wayne throws the tape back to Barry, who fumbles it before catching it. He passes it back to Oz, who puts it in the inside pocket of his coat and flashes his broken-toothed grin at Arthur.

ARTHUR: So, what do you want? Your old rooms back? Money?

Dennis pushes past Barry and Neville, and joins Wayne at the bar.

DENNIS: Listen, Arthur. All we want is to be able to come to your salubrious hostelry of an evening, to have a few pints and sit by your fireside…

OZ: Aye, and you can get that dart board back up and all!

DENNIS: We don’t want our old rooms back, we just want to be able to enjoy a quiet pint after a day’s hard graft. We’re nearly finished anyway. Now, if you keep up your end of the bargain for the next couple of weeks, then we’ll pop in for a pint before we leave, and hand the tape over to you, no questions asked. Call it a “going away present”. Otherwise, well, we can’t guarantee where the tape will end up. Could be with the brewery, could be the police, or the local resident’s association.

Dennis turns to the group of lads

DENNIS: Right, lads?

They all mumble approvingly. Dennis turns back to Arthur

DENNIS: So, do we have a deal?

ARTHUR: Y-yes, I agree.

Moxey steps forward and whispers something into Dennis’ ear. Dennis sighs.

DENNIS: Aye, and you’ll serve our Irish friend Mox… Brendan here.

ARTHUR: Of course. So, what’ll it be?

DENNIS: Seven pints of bitter, please.

ARTHUR: These are on me.

WAYNE: Now, we don’t want any special treatment, we just want to be treated like every other customer.

ARTHUR: Yes, but I’ll get these, just to seal the deal.

DENNIS: That’s very good of you.

OZ: Hey, where’s the dart board?

ARTHUR (through gritted teeth): It’s upstairs. I’ll just get it for you when I’ve finished pouring these drinks… sir!

BOMBER (to NEVILLE): By jove, that went better than I thought it would!

NEVILLE: I suppose so. It doesn't feel right, though. Some people might call it "blackmail".

OZ: It's a pity. I was hoping I'd have to grab the bastard by the throat if he didn't agree to it. Still, nevah mind. Who wants the first game of darts?

DENNIS: Listen, Neville. We've done nothing wrong. He's the one in the video. And if he keeps his nose clean and treats us with respect, then we'll give him the tape back. No harm done.

NEVILLE: Aye, you're right, Dennis. I just wish we didn't have to resort to this just to get served in a pub!

DENNIS: Well, we tried everything else. Sending Mox... Brendan in to get a pint, me trying to reason with him. This is the only way that worked.