© Auf Wiedersehen, Pet is copyright of ITV Studios, BBC & Franc Roddam.

‘When d’ya get the Jag?!!....’

Story Name - The Christening. Author - Peng50 Premise - During ‘Return Of The Seven’ Neville mentions to Dennis that he ‘hasn’t seen the bairn since the Christening....’ Dennis is invited to Debbie’s Christening, but things don’t go well.

A worse for wear looking Dennis stands at the reception and spots Neville at the other side of the room talking with Brenda.

Dennis staggers over and looks at them both.

Dennis: “Well I’ve gotta hand it to you both, especially you Neville, I never thought after Germany I’d see the day you were fathering a


Neville: “Wey, I love bairns Dennis man, I’m often out with our Paul at the Weekends with his like”

Dennis: “Aww I’m sure you do Neville, but I wasn’t on about that man, I was referring to that lovely Tattoo on your upper Arm… I thought

Brenda would have cut your plums off and sailed them down the Tyne when she finally saw what was under Barry’s dirty old bandage

like… Hey it’s a pity she found it before now, you could have called Debbie, Lotte and she wouldn’t have been any of the wiser eh -

probably thought it very affectionate you’d gone through the pain of getting your daughters name on your arm, instead of some German

lass on some drunken night out”

Brenda’s’ face looked like Thunder and Neville knew Dennis had obviously touched a nerve.

Brenda was just about to say something and another lady walked up… Neville seized the chance to get out of an awkward


Neville: “Dennis this is Brenda’s sister, I don’t think you’ve met.”

Dennis: “No we’ve never met, hello Pet”

Brenda’s Sister: “Hello Dennis I believe you were in Germany with Neville”

Dennis: Aye I was just talking about the tatt…”

Dennis never got the chance to finish… Nev jumped in as quick as a flash!

Neville: “Brenda’s sister sent us out the chocolate cake that time remember?”

Dennis: “Aww the one that Rat got at like… Dennis Laughed.”

Dennis: “Eh he didn’t eat much Nev did he… comes to something when a dirty big rat eats more of Oz’s grubby stale sandwich than

some fancy bit of cake sent all the way from home like eh”

Brenda’s sister’s face looked like Thunder – she angrily looked at Neville.

Brenda’s Sister: “You wrote to our Brenda saying everyone loved that cake Neville”

Dennis: He probably told Brenda he loved those slippers she made him as well. Mind you they looked alright when he was ankle deep

in water in them chasing after Colin”

Dennis was digging Neville into an even bigger hole, Neville took Dennis aside.

Neville: “Dennis Man, knock it on the head will yer”

Dennis: “Aww come on Nev, bloody hell I’m just havin a laugh man”

Neville: Yes but they’re pretty touchy subjects you’re dealing with man Dennis you’ve upset 2 different people, in under 2 minutes… not

even Oz could do that !!!”

Dennis: “Well I can see why Brenda might get upset about the tattoo, but no woman could really expect a bloke to love a pair of slippers

like she sent… and why would her sister be upset eh… It was only a cake like”

Neville: “I na but she’s not the best cook in the world and that’s why I told her the cake was lovely and we all ate it… she takes

everything to heart like, she’s really sensitive”

Dennis: “Well shall I gan sort it out, tell her it was champion and that I was pulling her leg like, eh...”

Neville: “No you’ve done enough damage thank you, Debbie’s christening has now turned into my Funeral… cheers man Dennis..!”